Tingjing: the Chinese-Indonesian engagement visit
Tingjing is the formal proposal in Chinese-Indonesian tradition: the groom’s family visits the bride’s home to ask for her hand, and the groom’s mother puts a necklace on the bride as a sign of the bond. Because of that necklace, Tingjing is also called kalungan.
What Tingjing is
Tingjing happens once the bride’s family has accepted the groom. The visit makes the intention to marry official and shows respect to the bride’s family.
The term comes from dingqin: ding means to settle, qin means family. Many families use a necklace rather than exchanging rings, though some couples exchange rings as well.
Hokkien, Hakka, Teochew, Cantonese and Peranakan customs differ. What is written here is the pattern common in Indonesia; the family’s own customs remain the guide.
When Tingjing happens
Tingjing comes first, usually less than a year before the wedding. Afterwards the two families set the wedding date, often with a feng shui master who matches the couple’s zodiac signs and bazi.
Many families now hold Tingjing and Sangjit on the same day. In that case the proposal and the necklace come first, then the Sangjit trays.
- 1TingjingThe formal proposal and the necklace.
- 2SangjitThe groom’s family brings the seserahan trays.
- 3Wedding day and Tea PaiOn the wedding day, the couple serves tea to the elders.
- 4ReceptionThe celebration with guests.
Who attends and who does what
Tingjing is usually attended only by immediate family and close relatives. It is held at the bride’s home, or at a restaurant with enough room.
- The groom’s family
- Arrives with the groom. A family representative, usually someone married, states the purpose of the visit.
- The groom’s mother
- Puts the necklace on the bride, as the groom’s parents’ blessing.
- The bride’s parents
- Accept the proposal and allow their daughter to wear the necklace as a sign of the bond.
- The bride’s family
- Hosts a shared meal and prepares gifts for the groom’s family to take home.
What is brought to a Tingjing
Tingjing gifts are lighter than Sangjit, because the main gifts are kept for the Sangjit. They are usually fruit, cakes, drinks and mooncakes, which many families treat as essential.
The gifts come in even numbers and avoid four, just like Sangjit trays.
Tingjing, Sangjit and Tea Pai compared
Tingjing is often confused with Sangjit. Tingjing is the proposal and usually the simpler of the two; Sangjit is the fuller gift ceremony, held closer to the wedding. Tea Pai only happens on the wedding day itself.
TingjingThis page
- What
- The formal proposal, also called kalungan.
- When
- First, usually less than a year before the wedding.
- The heart of it
- The groom’s mother puts a necklace on the bride; the wedding date is discussed.
- Gifts
- Light: fruit, cakes, drinks, mooncakes.
- What
- The betrothal gifts, from the groom’s family to the bride’s.
- When
- After Tingjing, a few weeks to a few months before the wedding.
- The heart of it
- Trays are handed over one by one; part comes back as a return gift.
- Gifts
- Full: jewellery, angpao, clothing, fruit, cakes, candles, drinks.
- What
- The tea ceremony for parents and elders.
- When
- The wedding day, often in the morning. Whether it comes before or after the blessing differs between families.
- The heart of it
- The couple serves tea; the elders give their blessing.
- Gifts
- No seserahan trays. The elders give angpao or jewellery.
Tingjing decor in Bali by MYS
For a Tingjing, MYS styles the decor and matching gift trays, and plans both together with the Sangjit when the two share a day.
- Decor
- A backdrop and florals designed for the room, scaled for a smaller family gathering.
- Gifts
- Tingjing gift trays arranged to match the decor. The family can bring the contents, or MYS can supply them on request, such as hampers and mooncakes.
- Combined with Sangjit
- When Tingjing and Sangjit share a day, the decor and the run-of-show are planned for both.
- Venues
- MYS has styled ceremonies at private villas, restaurants and resorts across Bali, including The Mulia, The St. Regis, The Ritz-Carlton, Ayana, Kempinski and Hilton Bali Resort.
- Vendors
- The family’s own MC, photographer and make-up artist are welcome. If the family has none yet, MYS can recommend people it has worked with. Recommendations are given only when asked.
Questions about Tingjing
Is Tingjing the same as a lamaran?
Yes. Tingjing is the Chinese-Indonesian form of lamaran (proposal), with a necklace as the sign of the bond. The full set of gifts comes later, at the Sangjit.
Do we exchange rings at Tingjing?
Not necessarily. The usual sign of the bond is the necklace from the groom’s mother, but some couples exchange rings too.
Can Tingjing and Sangjit be held on the same day?
Yes, and many families now do, to save time. The proposal and the necklace come first, then the Sangjit trays are handed over. The decor and the run-of-show are then planned for both at once.
What is the difference between Tingjing, Sangjit and Tea Pai?
Tingjing is the proposal, Sangjit is the betrothal gift ceremony and Tea Pai is the tea ceremony on the wedding day. They happen in that order: Tingjing first, Sangjit a few weeks or months before the wedding, Tea Pai on the wedding day. Each has its own page: Sangjit, Tingjing and Tea Pai.